Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Is it because I queefed?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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