i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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