I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
