apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
