He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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