I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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