its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
