I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
