So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
