I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
