why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
