I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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