Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
