an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
