Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
why is half of my head shaved?
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