Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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