Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
