it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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