My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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