i wish there were pregnant emoticons
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
