If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
