woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
