I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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