I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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