I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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