Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
