im holly from the hills drunk
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
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