Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
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