I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
