is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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