I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
