you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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