I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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