Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My liver just had a heart attack.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
