She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
