Farmville is her only friend.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
