You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
