When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Randomize
