i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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