I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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