well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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