Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
