So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
