Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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