Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
