It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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