4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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