Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Panties = found
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
