she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
