I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
