i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
