Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
