Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize