I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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