his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
