I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it's like heaven, but drunker
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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