Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
