I will die if light touches me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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