at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
