Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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